


I Regret Everthing And Nothing

by IJustWannaAskSomething



Category: Army Of Two (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Tattoos, alternative universe, mild swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 05:21:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6740017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IJustWannaAskSomething/pseuds/IJustWannaAskSomething
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unless it's ruining your game with the<br/>ladies. Elliot is trying to fix it.<br/>Light AliceXSalem</p>
<p>Also posted on FF.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Regret Everthing And Nothing

It hadn't really bothered him first, really. He hadn't thought about it, mostly because he couldn't even see it, but then there was this club and this girl and just as it started to become interesting she noticed his souvenir of the weekend trip and decided it was a deal breaker.

The mood went from somewhere really good to subzero real quick. She had wanted a little show from him and he was happy to oblige, confident with his body until he fully turned around.

“Really? Are you gay or something?” And then the night had been officially over.  
  
That was the start of his string of bad luck he solely blamed on the fucking  
tattoo on his arse. Which is why he was in desperate need of a cover up. Also, it was May and that meant that the rooftop and beach party season began and he didn’t need a freaking embarrassing tattoo that apparently made him gay on his fucking butt.

So he had punched in some words into a search bar and printed out the closest results (his phone was broken, again, and he didn’t have the nerve to get a new one) and checked the places out.

He would have preferred to get the cover up where he got his first one, the dice on fire on his forearm, right after graduation, but that happened in Europe and he lacked the cash to travel just to get inked again. Also, he needed a parlour that was good in covering up bad decisions like his, not just had nice designs.

Elliot only made it to two places before he got grumpy and called Tyson on an actual payphone to pick him up for lunch. Of course his buddy didn’t even try to hide is amusement and smugness about the whole deal and laughed until the neighboring tables shot him weird looks.

At least he listened to Elliots rant about finding the right style and parlour.

“I know someone-“

“Who knows someone, who once fucked a girl that’s-“ he received a smack on the head for his interruption.

“I know someone” Tyson continued as if nothing happened and folded his napkin. “Who has a parlour specialized on cover ups. It’s even called “I Fucked Up”, so it’s the perfect place for you to go.”

Elliot continued to grumble and curse because he hated his friend being right, but in the end he agreed to check the place out.

 

-

 

It turned out that it wasn’t even on Elliots crumbled list and in a way nicer part of town.

“How did they get away with a name like this” he gestured to the neon sign and slammed the door of Tysons car shut. “In a neighborhood like this?”

“The owner was a lawyer or something, as far as I know.” His companion shrugged and they crossed the road. The shop looked clean and professional, not like other studios he’d seen, so he was confident when he opened the door.

 

“Hi, am Richard, how may I help you?” a middle aged man asked when they entered the shop, surprisingly without any visible tattoos.

“Hi, I was recommended this place by Andy. Got his back piece here a while back.” Tyson said, talking like he knew the guy for years. Elliot wandered to the display of the tattoos they’d done.

“Let me think, eagle and a moon, right?” the man asked and Tyson nodded.

“So what can I do for you?” He said, leaning against the counter.

“My buddy here…” he reached for Elliot and snapped his fingers into his direction to get his attention. “…fucked up.” They both chuckled about this and Salem chose to ignore them.

“Yo, Tyse, check this out, this dude got his _junk_ tattooed, how cool it that?!” He leaned forward to look at the framed picture.

“Don’t even think about it.” His buddy already sounded like he was 200% done with him.

“Well he came to the right place for sure.” Richard grinned. “So it’s a cover up then. See these books over there? Portfolios of our artists. Only Murray and Clyde do cover ups, but if you’re up for something good in traditional style, I’m your man.”

“Don’t give him ideas.” Tyson deadpanned and Richard laughed again.

 

It took Elliot some time to get away from the tatted junk and next to Tyson on the couch who was already flipping through the portfolios.

“Look at this, Ellie, it’s a Tinkerbell portrait. That would suit you.”

“Shut up, dickhead.” He growled and aggressively turned the page. “It’s not my style anyways.” No way he would get some Trash Polka on his skin. Or a fairy.

The second artists’ book was more to his liking, a lot of black and white, some tribals.

“See, this is something I can put on my butt!” He explained, maybe a little too loud and shoved the book into Tysons face.

“It’s on your butt?” Richard asked from the counter and grinned into his coffee mug.

“Maybe.” He said defensively.

“Well Alice is gonna be super excited to cover up whatever accident happened down there.”

“Wait, Murray is a chick?! No, no no. No way I let a girl stick needle into my bum! No! Not happening.” He shut the book and stood. “We’re leaving.”

“No we’re not. I can’t have you go on about this tattoo ruining your game another day.”

“So you two are like married?” A new voice asked from the door and Elliot whirled around. A black haired woman stood next to Richard looking at Tyson and Elliot expectantly.

“Gods no!” Elliot yelled.

“Aw, so sad.” She said sarcastically. “I’m Murray, the one who will “stick needles into your bum””, she said using air quotes.

“That is not sad and also that is not yet decided!” Did the three form a secret bond and decide he was getting tatted up today, right on the spot?

“The marriage or the tattoo?” Richard chimed in.

“Like I’d marry this fuckface.” Rios snorted from the couch. Elliot flipped him off.

“So now that this is decided, what horrible design do I need to let magically disappear?” Alice asked and opened a sketchbook. “A name? Portrait? A Cat? You look like the kind of guy who would get a tramp stamp for giggles.”

“Listen, Lady,” he started and held up his hand in defence. “I’m not sexist or anything, but I am shy when it comes to specific places and I’d like to keep my privates private, okay? So nothing personal I just don’t want a girl-“

“He’s not shy, he’s just sexist.” Tyson interrupted him from the couch. “Actually he’s quite a slut so don’t buy any of this shy around woman thing. He worked in a strip club once, you know?”

“As a waiter.” Elliot grit his teeth and contemplated life in jail for murder against life with Tyson.

“Sure.” Murray said, clearly not believing him. Or maybe she just tried to rile him up.

“I am not-“

“He gets a little stupid around beautiful woman thought.” Rios added what made her laugh and wink at his friend.

“Don’t change the topic thought. What did you get that ruins your game?” At least Richard didn’t seem too interested in his personal life. To some extent.

“It’s private.”

There was an uncomfortable silence in the room for a second.

“We were in Vegas.” Tyson, the traitor, began and if this was his home, he’d flung himself at the taller one and strangled him, however he needed to behave in public.

“I like where this is going.” Richard decided and made himself more comfortable.

“We were celebrating and decided we’d get”, his grin spread ”‘friendship tattoos’.” The two tattoo artist were silent; clearly to not burst out laughing. “Now we’ve know each other for a decade then so the idea was good and I get something simplistic and manly.” Elliot snorted at that. “But the drama bitch needs to make a scene and get my name.” Alice’ eyebrows rose a bit.

The silence was pregnant with barely contained laughter and silent rage from the dark haired man.

“But that is not everything…?” prompted Alice.

“No. Of course he has to get it in a heart. With flowers. And some friendship quote he got off a fourteen year olds tumblr.”

Murray got up and went into the back. “I’m sorry, I can’t….” she said between giggles, her colleague didn’t even try to be so polite in front of a potential costumer and laughed whole heartedly.

Pouting, Elliot returned to the display section and decided that he would ignore them. Forever.

Alice came back, looked at him and burst out laughing again, what made Richard and Tyson start again, too.

“Yeah, yeah great. Let’s all laugh at Elliots try to be a good friend. Fucking morons.”

“And you don’t mind your name on his ass?” Richard asked, completely ignoring the actual customer.

“I first didn’t but I’m getting married and my wife doesn’t really like it. I offered the have her name added but she didn’t think it was that romantic.”

“I wonder why.” Elliot bit out.

This was going to be a long day.

 

Showing them the masterpiece and making a copy of it to plan the cover up wasn’t so bad, mostly because he sang the alphabet song in his head to distract him from the awkwardness. Murray however proved to be professional and efficient and didn’t drag it out just to humiliate him, what go her back into his good books. Tyson, on the contrary, had the nerve to ask him weather he’d wear a G-String to the actual appointment since it would give the best access whilst being modest. Elliot didn’t really want to be friends with him anymore. Since it was Rios name on his butt he and Alice talked mostly about the cover up, also to match it a little bit to the one he had gotten. Elliot didn’t really care about the design, he’d cover it up with just black ink if he had to, as long as it disappeared.

“How come you have the time to draw instead of been booked out for the next two years?” He asked, interrupting the discussion about the quote and how to cover it.

“I mostly do walk ins, since I specialised on cover ups.” She explained. “Of course I have some fixed appointments for longer sessions or non-cover ups but currently this is what I like doing the most.”

“Hm.” Satisfied with the answer he turned back to Richards art book.

 

When they finally finished talking and handed him a piece of paper he covered his eyes.

“Is it a portrait?”

“No.”

“A fairy?”

“No.”

“Is it manly?”

“Yep.”

“Alright, then surprise me.”

Murray shrugged and pulled up her schedule. “We can do this in one session since it’s not too big and nicely healed. Unless you want it in more, then we can do this too. What about your pain tolerance?”

“I don’t feel pain.”

“He’ll cry.” The supposedly best friends said at the same time.

The tattoo artist smirked and wrote down the date for the appointment.

 

-

 

“Yeah?”

“Wake up, hun, it’s Alice.”

“Alice Who?”

“You forgot about it, just as Rios said. Our appointment is in half an hour so be on time.”

 

-

 

Coming alone to the parlour was kind of weird, but he wasn’t a pansy ass school girl that had to be with her friends all the time. Except for Murray the shop was empty and she sipped her coffee while flipping through a magazine.

“You’re still on time, I’m impressed.” She said instead of a greeting. “You’re ready to go this? No second thoughts? You really don’t want to see the design before?”

“Yes, No and Yes.” He threw his bagapck with some sandwiches and soda on the counter. “I am ready for you, babe.”

Alice chuckled and got up. “Alright, but don’t complain if you behind is transformed into a magical field full of unicorns.”

 

-

 

Getting his ass tattooed was neither cool nor painless but he kind of welcomed the feeling of the needle in his skin because that meant that she was done with shaving, sticking on the design and adding some more details with a pen, what just felt super awkward. Elliot wasn’t sure if it was a good thing she was a sorta hot girl or not and if she would mess up his tattoo on purpose if he continued using bad pick up lines with her.

 

“Stop staring at my chest.” She said without looking up from her work, about half an hour into the session.

“Stop staring at my rack.” He retorted and grinned. The look she shot him could probably freeze hell over.

“Seriously thought, it’s hard not to look at them.” If Tyson had been here, he’d died from the force of the facepalm that was appropriate for the moment. 

“It’s gonna’ be hard to look with a tattoo needle in your eyes.” Alice said in a neutral tone that made it even scarier.

“Wow, look at the door, isn’t it so interesting to look at.” He quickly mumbled and tried not to look at her again. At least for the next five minutes or so.

 

-

 

“Like, no offense but-“

“Everthing you say is offensive.”

“No it’s not! I didn’t even finish my question!” he protested and looked over his shoulder.

“Everything you say is offensive.” She repeated as if talking to a child. “It’s your voice that makes it that way.”

“Gee, thanks. Anyways. Aren’t tribals out like since the 2000s? I heard some artists are even refusing doing them at all.”

“Are you asking about my work or about my tattoos?” She looked away from her work and at him. She was sorta hot he decided.

“Both I guess…”

“Well I got my tattoos when tribals were still cool. I was seventeen and faked my parents signature. When they found out I got send to an all girls school, but it was worth it. Besides they are not super tribal-like tattoos, they are more tribal inspired.”

“Well they look like tribals to me.”

“Well you haven’t seen all of them.” Alice winked at him and continued tattooing. After a moment she spoke again. “About artists finding tribal tattoos uncool; I can’t say much to that. Everyone has a personal style and there are still a lot of people out there who like them a lot.”

Elliot just “hmed” and continued reading the magazine she abandoned earlier.

 

They reached the one and a half hour mark and he got incredibly bored. Also, the position started to become uncomfortable so they took a quick break.

When he was back in the chair and his butt got tormented again, he struck up a conversation again. Murray wasn’t as cold and sarcastic as she led to believe, he concluded for himself. She was quite a nice girl so flirting wouldn’t do any harm, right?

“So after you finished your all girls school you told your parents to suck it and became a tattoo artist?”

She laughed softly.

“Actually not. I went to university first and studied IT. When I was working my first job I became more and more involved with drawing and since I dated a tattoo artist at that time I eventually thought about a change of carrier.”

“You still dating?”

“Nope.”

“Lucky me I guess.”

Alice laugh again. “Don’t overestimate yourself, Ellie.”

“That’s not my name!”

“Too bad it will be written on your behind.”

“What?!” He shrieked and almost fell from the chair. “Are you for real?”

“You didn’t want to see the design first…” the artist said defensively.

“You have to be kidding me, right? Like, I did not just trade one stupid-ass name for another!”

“Ellie is way cuter than Tyson…”

“You are joking!”

“Maybe.” The corners of her mouth quirked.

“You’re messing with me. Oh god. You gave me a heart attack!” He fell back onto the cushion. “Dear Lord, I will never get a tattoo again. At least not where I can’t see it.” He grumbled into his hands.

 

-

 

For the first time in his life, Elliot Salem was actually speechless. He completely forgot how stupid it must look with his pants half way down and his body twisted around to look at his reflection. What Alice had done was simply amazing. Gone was the tattoo even a sorority girl would be ashamed of and replaced by plain badassery. No more embarrassing flowers, no heart, no quote and also, no “Tyson” in cursive.

Speaking of which, his brain half registered the “I’m here to collect the idiot” coming from the front area of the shop.

“Tyson, that is so neat! I mean look at this!” He turned around when his friend entered the room.

“I don’t really want to look at your ass.”

“Dude, stop been a homophobe and just look! This is so awesome! Where is Alice, I need to thank her!”

“Yeah, you might want to pull up your pants before doing that.”

Elliot just made an annoyed sound and went back to admiring himself.

 

After wrapping the tattoo up and paying for it (it was worth every penny) he leaned on the counter and grinned at her.

“Soooo what about our date?”

Tyson excused himself to the car, probably to die from embarrassment for Elliot. Again. Like he frequently did ever since they met.

“If that’s your way of asking me out the answer is ‘no’”, Alice said without even looking at him.

“Darling, I’m offended.”

“Darling, _I’m_ offended not worth a better pick up line.”

“I really apologize. You are worth so much more than just a pick up line.”

Tyson honked to get Salem going.

“I think that is your cue to leave.”

“But our date...” She looked at him with a stare full of death threats.

“Call me!” He mouthed whilst tactically retreating and she shut the door to the parlour firmly.

 

-

 

When he was allowed to do sports again, Tyson dragged him into the gym. It wasn’t like he didn’t like the gym, he loved it and also admitted he liked to show off. Not only for the ladies but because, hey, he used to be a gangly awkward teenager with greasy hair and there was no way he’d ever be that again. So whilst he chose tank tops that showed off more than they covered, Tyson dressed really modest. Marriage probably did that. Or being a fitness trainer in your freetime.

Today, Tyson was in his usual trainer polo tshirt and had forced Elliot to wear something decent as he called it. The last time he wore a plain tshirt for workout was probably when he first joined the gym.

They headed to the training room, covered in blue mats and a boxing ring dominating the room as well as a huge mirror.

“Today is MMA day?” Elliot asked and his some half assed stretching.

“Nah, Self Defence for woman and girls.”

“What? You douche tricked me again!”

“You just have to start listing to what I say! Besides Alice is coming so chill.”

“Alice Who?”

“Alice-Who-Tattooed-Your-Butt.”

“What? Why?”

“I asked her if she wanted to come to Self Defence class…”

“You have my girls number?”

“She isn’t your girl.”

“That’s not the point!”

 

Self Defence class was a disaster. It wasn’t the soccer moms or teenage girls, they did pretty well, probably because Tyson offered the course for quite a while now and had brought them into shape. What made it horrible was being used as training dummy. And Alice’ constant smirking.

Tyson demonstrated the techniques on him since “He didn’t feel pain” and the woman would spar with each other whilst he laid on the floor and suffered.

“Now, I promised you that this class will actually teach you something and I brought Salem with me to show you, that you can bring down any men if you want to. Plus he is your typical douche so you don’t even have to feel bad for hitting him.” A laugh waved through the room and he balled his fists. Why did he call Tyson his friend again?

“So who wants to try and use the last technique against him?”

_Of course._ Of course Alice effing Murray in a tank top and short shorts that absolutely did not distract him, had to practically wave her hand and snap her fingers. Tyson would have picked her anyways, for sure.

“Okay, so Ellie, you try to grab her and she does what we just practised. In slow motion first. Go.”

Alice smirked at him when he reached out for her, grabbed his wrist and twisted painfully and – fuck she had a lot more strength than he expected. Absolutely not crying out in pain the moved so it wouldn’t hurt too much and was on the floor in zero time.

“You see, Alice surprised with her strength, something that was really unexpected. Well done.”

 

Elliot was exhausted and in pain. It was worse than an MMA fight. The woman had taken turns on using the simple techniques Tyson had shown them and he had hit the mat so often, that he lost count. It didn’t get better when he had been allowed to put a little more force into his own grip, but hey – in the end the woman were more confident and he’d be okay. Mostly. Not his ego thought.

He still wasn’t sure why Alice was there but he honestly couldn’t care anymore. He wanted a hot shower and food.

“Don’t pull such a face, half of the group asked if you’d come again.” That didn’t really cheer him up and he slammed the locker shut.

“You owe me big. Like a milkshake _and_ ice cream.”

“Or a date with Alice?”

“Excuse me?”

“Well why do you think I ask you to come?”

“So woman could feel empowered and punch me in the gut?”

“Yes, but why did I ask her, too?”

“To find it amusing?”

“No you idiot, so you could show her, that you are actually a decent person and ask her out a second time. But ask her out politely. On a real date.”

“Oh…”

 

-

 

Tyson was right and Elliot hated that fact but seeing Alice in a black dress was totally worth it. He’d get round up by soccer moms anytime again for this sight. Also, the date went well. Like really well. It also was one of the few dates he had without sex. But it was so worth it.

A few months later he changed his mind about tribals and added one of Alice designs on his left shoulder.

“So that we match.” He’d told her, but she just laughed. She laughed at a lot of things he said, but that was okay. Probably because he was in love.

It also turned out Alice was really good at MMA and they sparred more often. One time sparring had become a full on make-out session on the mats that had them almost suspended from the gym.

When they moved in together (a thing it took him weeks to not get super excited about when she came home or woke up next to him) he gladly gave up his bachelor flat and even put his dirty laundry in the basket and not everywhere in the house.

About a year later he got a traditional Japanese dragon on his right arm and whilst it healed and they couldn’t do much sport (MMA had kind of become their thing) she drew new tattoo designs on him, connecting her cover up with his tattoo on his chest. Most of the designs were really nice and he would get them right here and now, but she worked elements from the Butt Of Shame (as they now called the old tattoo that brought them together) like the quote that had been on the heart or Tysons name so vetoed vehemently and scrubbed himself raw in the shower. Alice had a thing for taking pictures of her designs on him and put them in her “Doodles” Folder on her website, a thing he was okay with unless it was some embarrassing shit like this.

Sometimes he would admire the work on his behind and wonder if this had been some kind of destiny to get a little wasted and a bad tattoo just to meet such an amazing person as Alice. Weather destiny was a thing or not, at least he could now run around as naked as he wanted without the shame, and that was all that mattered. That and if Alice would say ‘yes’ when he would ask her to marry him, but that was another story…

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> The upload kind of messed up my formating, is it still readable?  
> Let me know what you think!


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